i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
