So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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