This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
