the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
