even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
