Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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