I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
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You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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