i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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