I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
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woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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