Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
