her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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