no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
