I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
