I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
