Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
