you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
