I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
