I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
