i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
