I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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