we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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