Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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