It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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