Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
