Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
