..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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