My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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