I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
