I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
