I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
