Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Randomize
