I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
