No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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