Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
