You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
