He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
