i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They have beer where we have blood.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
