my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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