I met the friendliest cop last night
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
