tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
