My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
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Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
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in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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