the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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