On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
