I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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