My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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