It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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