theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
