I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
