BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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