She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
