I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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