pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize