that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
