I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this will be a night to untag.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You can't just leave with hair like that
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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