Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
