Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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