Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
